Happy 2nd Birthday R

Dearest R, 


This morning you turned two, over night you magically transformed from my not so little baby girl into a sparkling eyed toddler.  I know the next few years are going to be rocky.  You will be establishing yourself as your own being with a big and bubbly personality that is uniquely your own.  I already know that you are going to be stubborn and strong willed as you come by those traits honestly and I hope that we can navigate those waters without too much turbulence.


Your Dad and I are so honored that you chose us to be your parents.  You have kept us on our toes from an early age, from walking at 10 months to climbing and running at 11 months.  You rounded out our little family and have brought so much adventure and mischievous joy to our house.   You have taken to farming and farm life with a zest that would have impressed your Great Great Grandpa Emmanual  (he homesteaded our farm over 100 years ago).  You are our strong little 5th generation farmer and we couldn’t be more proud of you.



I hope that over the coming years you keep your curiosity, your sense of humor never diminishes and that you continue to find happiness and amazement in the little things.  Dream big my darling, there is no such thing as reaching too high or too far.  Take the road less travelled or better yet create your own path.  Your Dad and I will always be here to catch you when you fall or to help you find your way when you think you are lost.


Love forever and always,
Mommy & Daddy


Confessions of a Mom who wants to work

I’ve been struggling for a while with the whole stay at home mom gig. When people found out how close we were having our girls (16.5 months) those that had been there said the first year would be a fog but once we made it through it would get so much better. Honestly I didn’t find the first year all that hard, sleep depriving yes but a struggle from day to day no. Our youngest is almost 1.5 years old and our oldest is getting closer to 3 than 2.5 and I am finding this so much harder. They both have their own amazing and challenging personalities. They are developing their egos, testing their boundaries and I feel like my soul is slowly dying.

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I feel like a horrible human being, and a complete failure as a mother because being home with my girls is making me the opposite of happy, which is how I’m supposed to be feeling. I should be grateful and appreciative of the fact that I get to stay at home with my babies and not go back to work but I’m not. I’ve done some research and I don’t think I have postpartum depression because I am not struggling in any other aspect of my life, just with being at home with my girls. I have been keeping this to myself like a dirty little secret, too scared to share it with the world because how dare I have these feelings and emotions and still want to call myself a good mother.

Recently I left home for 1.5 weeks and went to do SPFX work on a TV show in Calgary. That’s a 6 hour drive from where we farm. For those who are just joining me I worked in the film industry for 10 years before falling in love with a farmer and becoming one myself. I had closed that door and didn’t really entertain the idea of opening it until my old FX boss messaged me with a job offering. My reaction to having that offer made me realize how much I missed that part of my life and my husband was so supportive, telling me to go without even one thought to how hard that would make his life. There were a couple crocodile tears shed as I drove away and then nothing but excitement. I worked crazy long hours all week, the way we always do in film and loved every second of it. I didn’t think of my girls much or miss them. I revelled in reconnecting to that part of me that had been put on hold for the last 4 years.

What they don’t tell you about when you are pregnant is all the guilt that suddenly descends on you when you become a mother. The fact that I didn’t miss my girls or think about them 24/7 while I was at work wracked me with guilt, just another thing to point out how much I am failing as a mother. I had been home less than 48 hours and had a meltdown. I posted a video in my moms group (if you don’t have one find one! seriously such an important tool for surviving) I was crying about being overwhelmed, because being at home with my girls makes me frustrated and angry and then I yell and feel bad about being a horrible mom and about not wanting to be a stay at home mom. They helped me accept my feelings as normal and encouraged me to loose the mom guilt monster attached to my back. I have realized that I am a better mom when I get to walk away and come back, wether or not that is for work, exercise or girls night. I had a blast returning to film and am hoping to make it a fairly regular occurrence. I can’t take a full show but the odd week here or there is 100% doable.

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I wrote this because I want everyone who has ever shared or struggled with the same feelings as me to know that they are normal and that they should not be ashamed or feel guilty. Being a mom is the hardest job in the world especially when they are young. We are sleep deprived, they take and take and take without knowing how to show their appreciation or give back and we are constantly trying to live up to unrealistic standards in our societies. We live in an age where perfection is splattered across our lives everywhere, internet, magazines, movies, advertisements, photoshopped everything. Pictures and stories are staged and airbrushed and no one wants to share the bad and the ugly only the good. Its like we tiptoe and push ourselves so hard to keep up with the unrealistic expectations of society. If you want to be a stay at home mom and are fulfilled by doing so that is amazing, honestly I wish I had it in me. But if you are like me and feel that working and spending time apart from your kids makes you a better mom embrace it. Get that guilt monkey off shoulder and give yourself a pat on the back. You are an amazing women, you are strong, multifaceted and you are passionate, never doubt that you are enough ❤️

Career opportunity vrs mom guilt

I am packing tonight and oh so excited to be doing so! I’m not going on trip or anything fancy like that but I have taken 6 days of Special Effects work on a TV show in Calgary! And that my friends is much more exciting in my books! I haven’t done any film work since 2013 when I officially moved out to Saskatchewan and started farming with my man. Don’t get me wrong I love farming and am so passionate about it but film is my other passion. On top of the excitement I am racked with mom guilt because I’m leaving my girls for 8 days and my baby girl will officially be weened. We have been slowly cutting out breastfeeding but me suddenly leaving means it’s for sure over and I’m sad about it. I also feel guilty because I’m not nursing her as long as I nursed her sister but I need this for me so I’m battling through the guilt. I hate to admit this but as much as I love my girls and being home with them I also feel like it is sucking my soul. I know I am so lucky to have spent the last 2.5 years being a farmer and stay at home mom but it is something I have really struggled with. I never wanted to be a stay at home mom and I know I am a much better parent when I have time away to recharge. So I am starting small with 8 days and hope to pick up other week long stints in film as the year goes on.  I hope one day my girls can understand why I occasionally went away for work and feel inspired to follow their own dreams ❤️

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There were 2 in the bed. . .

In case you have been following along you may remember a post from a couple weeks ago about my husband and I sleeping on our livinroom floor 🙈 Our big brain wave was that in removing ourselves from our own bedroom and also the room R’s crib is in that she would realize we were not there in the middle of the night and put herself back to sleep. Well we did have some awesome nights, in fact there was even a night she slept through the whole night!!! That was an exciting first in the world of baby R!  I strongly feel it was a strategic move of her part to lull us into a false sense of security and then slam us with one of her worst nights ever. I’m talking up every 15-30 minutes or just up for multiple hours on end of fussing, wailing, not wanting anything and then wanting to party at 3am. So that made me a rather glass half empty person the next day but we doggedly stuck to our plan. Fast forward a week and she was still having super ruff nights and we were rapidly growing sick of sleeping on a mattress on the floor.

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Last night we figured things really couldn’t get much worse so we moved the double mattress into T’s room, aka the only other bedroom in the house other than our own room.  It took an extra 2 hours of them adjusting and playing before both were sleeping and my heart melted a little to see them snuggled up together. Things were going great and like an idiot I stayed up until midnight enjoying some freedom and Netflix. It was within the first 5 seconds of going to bed that R woke up and the rest of the night was once again horrible with myself and my wonderful husband taking turns. We are on night 2 of our experiment and you may think we are crazy to keep trying but last night wasn’t sleepless because of putting them in bed together it was just R doing her thing. So we are going to keep trying! T was so excited about having R sleep in her bed tonight when we were getting ready and putting pj’s on, except she was very serious when she told R she needs to sleep and no crying!!   If you are reading this please send all the happy sleep dust you can spare ❤️

Sleep training in a Tiny Farm House

If you look very closely you will notice that the picture below is a mattress in the middle of a living room.

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When you live in a tiny 2 bedroom farmhouse sleeping arrangements can get creative while trying to sleep train a 13 month old. A couple days ago I decided that enough was enough and as much as I enjoy cosleeping with my youngest for half the night she isn’t getting a good sleep in our bed and neither am I. Right now our current set up has her crib in our room and my toddler has her own room. This works great for half the night but as soon as she wakes up and knows I’m in the same room as her there is no way she is putting herself back to sleep when she could instead have mommy snuggles and boobies. Two nights ago I tried sleeping on the couch and ended up sore so I just gave up and went in there at 4 when she woke up for snuggles. Last night we upped our game and pulled the spare mattress out after the girls were asleep. It fit perfectly between the couches in the living room and I got a much better sleep on it! R still woke up at 4 but she slept from 8-4 all by herself 🙌🙌🙌 The goal is to get her sleeping really well by herself and then we are going to tackle putting both the girls in the same bed in T’s room which should be a lot of fun 😂

A page from ‘Mad Men’

Let me preface this post by saying that I am a feminist. I believe I am equal and just as capable as my husband. I even cringe at the term stay at home mom because for me it comes with too many decades of gender baggage. That being said I understand love languages and the importance of letting my husband know I care about him and not just in a sexual way.

Last night as a surprise I took a page from ‘Mad Men’ and traveled back in time to the 1950’s. I was planning a lovely dinner for friends that fell through and I turned it into the opportunity to surprise my man. I did my hair, my makeup and pulled out a vintage dress from my closet. If you know me you know most days my hair is in a bun, I have zero makeup on, there’s a good chance I haven’t brushed my hair in a couple days and my clothes may have been worn the day before. But last night I put myself together and made a delicious herb butter rubbed prime rib with mashed potatoes, carrots, gravy and Yorkshire puddings. I greeted him at the door with a smile and a kiss and said “welcome home honey”.

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I had to make supper anyway but the simple action of turning it into a special night for him was a wonderful way to show him how much I care. He works so hard for our family, working full time at his off farm job and full time on the farm. He is the sole bread winner at the moment since I currently help farm and stay home with our 2 young daughters. I am so guilty of getting caught up in the day to day of life and not appreciating everything he does for our family and I am learning that it’s okay to acknowledge and praise his role without down playing my own.

Since it’s not the 1950’s both our little girls were still roaring around the house when he got home. After supper he gave them a bath while I cleaned up and I know he was just as happy as they were to have time together. Before we know it spring will be here and once again we will be ran off our feet busy with the farm. It’s nice to enjoy the downtime that comes with cold and snow and recharge for next year ❤️

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A letter from a tired Mom

Dear R,

I think it is great that you are such a happy, golucky girl. Your grin is contagious, in fact it melts hearts. However it looses some of its charm in the early hours of the morning. No one, I repeat no one wants to come to your party from 1-4:30am 😖
Your lucky Daddy had the patience to walk you back to sleep at 4:30 when mommy called it quits. I literally do not think my nipples could have taken any more attention from you at that point.  If you want a happy well rested family you will refrain from throwing another all nighter any time soon!

I know, I know it’s not fair us trying to tell you what to do.  We are going on 2.5 years of loosing sleep thanks to the parties you and your sister have been throwing in the middle of the night and judging from the wrinkles accumulating around my eyes your late nights shinanagins are starting to take their toll! We know it’s just a phase and in the blink of an eye you will both be teenagers and we will be trying to drag you out of bed by noon. But can you please do us the favour every once and a while and just sleep through the night?!?!

Your loving parents ❤️img_0648