*caution bad language ahead*
Right now my give a damn is broken and I hurt. In fact it feels like I have suffered a loss.
I’ve posted about the challenges of this year and how hard it’s been and right now I want to drive that home.
This is one of the hardest years in a long time to be a farmer where we are. So we are relying on insurance claims, above and beyond our grain revenue to hopefully break even. I would like to emphasize break even, not make money.
Last night I came home from the field with two hungry little girls to a basement full of shit water and I had a breakdown. Every single aspect of our lives this year have been an epic uphill battle. My wonderful husband rushed home to deal with shit and in doing so brought news that has taken every ounce of wind out of our sails. Our new and exciting insurance policy that we were depending on to break even is currently saying we aren’t even close to being eligible for a claim. That broke my heart, in fact it’s still in pieces. It means that with 3 different farm insurances we are still well below coming up with the amount we need to cover our fixed costs. So where does that money come from? Hopefully the majority of my husbands off farm wage will cover it. Which means we will try to scrape by until next harvest when the farm will hopefully have income. It means if we can’t scrape by then we start selling assets. Or better yet little pieces of our heart, because to us farming is a part of our being, not our job.
So right now with pieces of my heart all over the floor, I want to say fuck it. I’m done breaking my back and draining my bank account to feed the world. I’m done fighting with consumers so far removed from agriculture that they think we are trying to kill them. At this moment in time I don’t care about anyone and as far as I’m concerned they can fend for themselves. Do I mean that? No, but right now I am hurt and I am angry.
I do not write this because I want sympathy or handouts I don’t. Please spare me the “I’m so sorry” speech. I want to make everyone aware that farmer is hard and sometimes it sucks, our profit margins are small and our risk is enormous. We do it because it’s our passion and let’s face it, everyone needs to eat.
** Edited to add; I am thankful for so much in my life and believe me when I say I do not take any of it for granted. But just for a second I am allowing myself to feel angry and then to grieve and heal.