Its 9:35 pm I have just successfully put my toddler to sleep, it only took me 1.5 hours to do so.  I am currently typing with one hand and holding my 7 month old with the other, she is also on a sleep strike it seems and I am done.  I have had it with being a Mom, my compassion and patience feel like they are all used up and I have nothing else to give.  I am drowning in the reality that is my life.  I love my little girls and given the chance I wouldn’t change a thing but this Mom gig is kicking my ass.  Having 2 under 2 is so so so soooooo much harder then I ever imagined it would be.

I have a confession, I never wanted or dreamed about being a stay at home Mom.  I feel as though I am not cut out for it, I am missing the genetic component that would make me compatible.  I have friends tell me all the time “I don’t know how you get so much done with your girls”.  Referring to all the farming, gardening and farm chores that I manage to accomplish with my little’s in tow.  The truth is I drag them around for all of those activities for me, because I am selfish, because I cannot stay in the house with them all day and not completely loose my sanity.

Being a Mom is only made harder by also being a farmers wife.  It means that I feel like a single parent 95% of the time.  Winter is about the only season where he is able to help at night and that is of course unless he has hockey.  The rest of the year we roll from seeding into spraying, straight to haying and then BAM its harvest time.  My husband also works off farm and I am jealous of his job, I am jealous that he gets to leave the house by himself and not worry about feeding times, diapers and naps.  I resent that during the day he has adult company and doesn’t have to listen to 8 hours of whining, screaming and grunting (because using words is really to much to ask).

I feel like there is an angry little me inside my chest trying to claw her way out and I cannot let that happen.  Because she wants to smash things and run wild screaming through the fields.  She was so close to escaping tonight, so while I tried and tried and tried to put my toddler to sleep I ran stairs. I ran 50 sets of stairs tonight, all in an attempt to keep myself from breaking.

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21 thoughts on “Breaking Down

    • oh I am well aware of what being a mom entitles as I am currently living and breathing the baby stage. I find that it’s healthy to talk about the trials that come with it. We all like to put up perfect fronts but that doesn’t do any good to anyone else. As we all have struggles and sometimes it’s nice to hear someone else put a voice to something we are feeling.

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    • Talk about a “holier than thou” response.. You want a freaking cookie??!

      I have two little ones, older now than yours. I have been doing it alone most of their lives (husband left when I was pregnant with the second), and it is OKAY to feel what you’re feeling. We’ve all been there. Anyone who says they haven’t felt that level of frustration and been close to the breaking point is either lying or has successfully blocked it from their memory.

      Talk to your hubby. Tell him how you’re feeling. You need to somehow make time for you- WITHOUT feeling guilty for doing it. Even a couple hours once a week will do you wonders and rejuvenate you.

      Hang in there, mama!!

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      • I can’t imagine going what you went through, I have so much respect for single moms ❤️ My guy is good when he can be but a lot of farming has to happen when it has to happen which is hard. I also need to say I need more time a set dates where he needs to be home for the girls so I can go ride my horse or have tea sans kids with a girl friend. Even just writing this last night really helped me cope with my frustrations and feelings 🙂 thanks for reading and taking the time to reach out!

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    • I have had the exact same thoughts, its tough, i am like a you a stay at home mom, although my kids are older i too am jealous of the away from home job aside from farming. Id love a full time job away from the farm reality, its a lot, its tough and it does wear on a person. Dad is rarely home, and when he is home he’s doing the jobs no one else can do, logging hours and hours away, watching the kids ask dad can you do this with me and the response is i can’t guys i have to work, they understand his away from home work, but being a farmer is a different kind of work and when your home your always farming!!! The hours spent if one actually logged is crazy.
      Know you are not alone, and your doing a great job. Shoot me a message anytime, i will listen and we can vent together 🙂

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  1. My kids are now both grown. There were times I had those feelings. I eventually hired a sitter for one afternoon a week to get a few hours to either grocery shop alone or write bills or garden or whatever just without kids for a bit. Even to nap if that is possible. It helped me keep my sanity. I loved being a Mom and farm wife, but nourishing yourself is important too.

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    • Thank you for taking the time to comment! I have started to realize I need to start making some me time a priority to recharge for everyone’s benefit. I know I am a better mother and wife when I can step away and then come back 🙂

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  2. Love this Megz!!! Like you, I had 2 kids back to back and it’s rough!!! EXHAUSTING! I lose my mind in the house too. I do so much better when we leave the house too. But also, as you and Sandy have already stated, I NEED that alone time. If I don’t, it’s not pretty. You’ve got this girl and as they get older it will get easier. My boys are 6 and 8 now and I’m living the life. They are so self sufficient and helpful because with two you will push them to be more independent as you only have so many hands. They make their own breakfast and snacks, shower on their own, get dressed, make their beds, entertain each other, clean the house because chores are “cool”😂, etc. And they tell me every day “mom, you’re the best mom ever”. It’s because of that “me” time girl.

    Plus you’re like the coolest mom in the world. You can’t go wrong. Just remember this stage isn’t forever.

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  3. Oh, my heart feels your struggles. I have been there a long time ago. I have 3 kids, now all grown, that were raised on a dairy farm. “Being married to a farmer is comparable to being a single parent” was my tag line. It is very, very hard, especially when they are so little.
    All I can advise is to try to hang in there & maybe get relatives or a babysitter once in awhile, even for an hour, to give yourself a break. I understand the resentment towards your husband for his escape to the adult world, try to not let that build and come between you. Your babies need both of their parents and they need them to be in a good place mentally. Parenting is hard & adding farming is monstrously hard! Know that you are not alone. Prayers my dear. ❤

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  4. I have 4 babies between 4 MO and 7 yrs and it’s trying at times, I feel guilty for leaving them with nana and papa for an evening out once a month but even mom’s need timeout sometimes!

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  5. Honest to God I could have written that myself! That is exactly how I feel, more often than not. It’s hard, it’s very hard and no one ever wants to talk about how hard it really is. He’s gone before they are up in morning and three seasons of the year he doesn’t come in the house until long after they are in bed, I do it alone all day every day. I relish those evenings in the winter when he takes time in the middle of the day to warm up and I get even the smallest break to do something alone. Even if it’s grocery shop or scrub the bathroom without helping hands.

    My mom retired this last year and has made me see that it’s okay for me to ask her to come stay with them and do something for me, that it’s healthy and I need it. She even stayed one night so I could just go be with my husband in the barn (we gotta take our dates where we can get them)!

    We love those little rugrats unconditionally and nothing will ever change that but sometimes we have to be selfish, it makes us better mom’s when we come back recharged! My hugs to you, you are not alone!!

    -signed a mom who has 4 kids 5 and under and has no idea what she’s doing 99% of the time! ❤

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    • Wow 4 kids under 5! That’s so great that your mom is helping support you, mine always comes out to help with the girls for seeding and harvest and my mil helps as well. I love the hours I get to spend in a tra or or combine with no babies as now they usually come with me, listening to a good book tape and just driving up and down the field. I find I feel guilty asking for help to have breaks for me though. If it’s so I can get farming done I feel justified, funny how we moms always have the tendency to put ourselves last even though it makes everyone’s lives better if we put ourselves first occasionally. If you ever want to talk farm mom struggles I am here!

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  6. Oh this is so me right now! Except I don’t have farms chores to do! But I sure wish I did!
    Your an inspiration Megz, your look like you’ve got it on track to me.
    I’ve often found myself being envious of your life and glad we still face the same challenges.
    As my momma says you will look back on these days and laugh. Like yeah thanks mom!

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    • I am not even close to having it all together!! Haha the other knowledge gem that gets thrown around and drives me crazy is “you will miss this one day” 😳 that does not sooth a mom who is about to run screaming from the house or curl up in the fetal position in a closet eating chocolate or drinking wine! Like will I really miss the high pitched screaming that goes on for hours. I’m thinking not!

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  7. Oh Megz, my heart went out to you as I was reading your post – I know I am late with my response but know that writing so honestly about your experiences and feelings is healing in itself. You are a brave woman, one with fortitude and a vision. Following a dream is never easy. It may be romantic at first but then we are fully immersed in the situation (farmer, mom of two, stay-at-home without an easy way to just walk down the street to meet a friend for tea at the local coffee shop) and soon realize the full extent of “things”. Each day is special and when we look back at how we felt just yesterday we realize that the good experiences so often outweigh the difficult times and unexpected obstacles. You are brave and strong and I admire your goals. Keep on being a mom and keep on farming! It is your generation that brings about the change we are all working toward!

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  8. Being at home with children 24/7 can be very draining so don’t feel bad for feeling how you feel. Have a talk with your husband and just continue to find ways to switch up your days to make them more exciting for both you and the girls. I enjoyed reading your blog.

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