Its 9:35 pm I have just successfully put my toddler to sleep, it only took me 1.5 hours to do so. I am currently typing with one hand and holding my 7 month old with the other, she is also on a sleep strike it seems and I am done. I have had it with being a Mom, my compassion and patience feel like they are all used up and I have nothing else to give. I am drowning in the reality that is my life. I love my little girls and given the chance I wouldn’t change a thing but this Mom gig is kicking my ass. Having 2 under 2 is so so so soooooo much harder then I ever imagined it would be.
I have a confession, I never wanted or dreamed about being a stay at home Mom. I feel as though I am not cut out for it, I am missing the genetic component that would make me compatible. I have friends tell me all the time “I don’t know how you get so much done with your girls”. Referring to all the farming, gardening and farm chores that I manage to accomplish with my little’s in tow. The truth is I drag them around for all of those activities for me, because I am selfish, because I cannot stay in the house with them all day and not completely loose my sanity.
Being a Mom is only made harder by also being a farmers wife. It means that I feel like a single parent 95% of the time. Winter is about the only season where he is able to help at night and that is of course unless he has hockey. The rest of the year we roll from seeding into spraying, straight to haying and then BAM its harvest time. My husband also works off farm and I am jealous of his job, I am jealous that he gets to leave the house by himself and not worry about feeding times, diapers and naps. I resent that during the day he has adult company and doesn’t have to listen to 8 hours of whining, screaming and grunting (because using words is really to much to ask).
I feel like there is an angry little me inside my chest trying to claw her way out and I cannot let that happen. Because she wants to smash things and run wild screaming through the fields. She was so close to escaping tonight, so while I tried and tried and tried to put my toddler to sleep I ran stairs. I ran 50 sets of stairs tonight, all in an attempt to keep myself from breaking.